The way modern dating has changed reflects the general pattern of fragmentation and atomization seen in other domains of life. Dating has become disconnected from other social domains, partly due to the growing role of online dating apps. This is the central insight of The New Laws of Love by Marie Bergström, a study of online dating and its effects on intimate life.
Bergström describes this shift as the “privatization of dating”:
“… which refers to ‘how dating has become a private matter,’ disembedded from other social situations and networks of relationships. The book goes on to ‘reveal the implications of this shift for both intimate and social life.’” (p. 5)
At first glance, this may seem advantageous. Privacy and discretion have value. People can meet outside the workplace, their friend groups, their families’ knowledge, and the ordinary social circles that, in the past, determined and shaped romantic encounters.
Dating no longer has to pass through a shared world, at least not in its initial formative stages. But there is also a paradox here.
Although dating has become more private, it has not necessarily become more personal. By “personal,” I mean something that emerges through relationships and participation in a shared social world. Privacy, by contrast, can become isolating when it separates individuals from that world.
Aspects of who we are as persons are inherently social. Technologically mediated privacy can therefore produce atomization. In dating, although it may now be easier to initiate relationships, it has not necessarily become easier to build trust or develop the sense of “we” essential to intimacy.
The privacy offered by dating apps, as well as the broader mindset of modern dating, is also associated with a “thinner layer” of personal knowledge. How people present themselves and form impressions of others is, by necessity, more superficial. This claim isn’t only epistemic but also ethical. It’s not just about knowing others, but also about how we treat each other and the types of relationships we tend to form.
“… the inherent characteristics of online dating favor casual encounters. Users are more disposed to having non-committal sex, or entering relationships of an unclear status, with partners they meet on such platforms, because of the discretion that the latter allow. The fact that relationships begin and unfold without scrutiny gives one considerable autonomy in managing one’s private life. This is less the case in ordinary social situations.” (p. 88)
At the same time, dating decisions have become less embedded in a community. For example, in Shakespeare’s Much Ado About Nothing and Romeo and Juliet, social context supports or obstructs, stabilizes or destabilizes, and helps shape the romantic relationship. With the privatization of dating, more of the burden of building and sustaining a relationship falls on the individuals themselves.
“The absence of prying eyes and the loosening of family control and peer pressure emphasize the internalized control on individual behavior. Online dating makes self-governance the key principle of contemporary sexuality.” (p. 175)
There is much more to the book’s arguments and explorations, which is why I have recorded three videos about it:
- Part 1. How Online Dating Split from the Rest of Life
- Part 2. Why Dating Apps Make Relationships Ambiguous
- Part 3. Dating Apps as a Mirror of Modern Intimacy
In future posts, I might write more about why I have recently been concerned with modern relationships.